Chocolate Liqueur
by Spunkt
Summary: A grieving Remus is coercred into visiting Sirius in Azkaban. But what could Remus possibly say to the man who is responsible for destroying his world? Implied slash, major angst, post godrics' hollow. Please R


Hey everyone, one-shot.

A grieving Remus is coerced into visiting Sirius a few days after he is put in Azkaban. What could Remus possibly say to the man who he believes is responsible for ruining his world?

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He swirled the wine in the delicate glass, watching the crimson liquid slosh around before tilting it back and drowning it. In just four days, he had managed to empty every wine bottle in the flat. He had sat on the couch every night, feet up on the coffee table as he stared into the crackling fire that steadily died down as the added weight of aged wine made it impossible for him to get up and feed it. He would fall asleep there, too. The bedroom door had remained closed every since... He couldn't look at that bed. The bed they had shared so many nights, and sometimes early afternoons, late mornings. He couldn't look in the closet at their clothes hanging side by side, he couldn't look at the floor still littered with magazines and books and socks.

So the door stayed closed, trapping memories like an abandoned time capsule.

Remus sighed, realizing there was no more wine in the 1958 bottle. He tilted his head to the side, the dancing embers in the fireplace blurring into something unrecognizable. He was waiting for James' head to pop out of it. Or Peter's, or Lily's, or maybe... just I _maybe _ ... Sirius'. That was ridiculous, and he knew it. They were all dead; except for Sirius, who was as good as dead right now anyway.

It was Sirius' fault. He killed the people in Remus' world, discarding them aside like used playthings and shattering the life he had known. Now all Remus had was the bottom of countless bottles and a room he couldn't bear to enter.

He kicked himself for not being able to foresee it. Sirius couldn't be his forever, not when there were the doubts, the unforeseen future, the secrecy... but none of it mattered when they had been in each other's arms. The destruction around them had melted away when lips locked, souls mixed, and hair tangled around fingers. That was what they fought for, side by side. Now Sirius was so unrecognizable as a person that Remus felt helpless looking back on that fateful night, trying to understand what went wrong.

A loud knocking on the door. Remus was relieved to have something to distract his mind, despite the fact that he was secretly hoping Sirius was coming home, forgetting his keys again, ready to explain everything. The brunette stumbled to the door and flung it open with high expectations, wine glass still clutched in hand.

"Good evening, Remus," a tired man's voice said from the doorstep, the night's moon glistening off of his white beard.

"Headmaster?" Remus said, leaning against the door for support.

"Really, Remus, you're not in Hogwarts anymore. I think you can call me Albus. May I come in?" Dumbledore said, not waiting for a reply as he walked over the threshold.

"Er, if you want. It's rather messy at the moment. My flat, that is," Remus slurred his words slightly, pinking at the cheeks in realization of his messy apartment.

"It's no matter," Dumbledore said as he produced a comfortable chair for himself after taking a good look at Remus' sofa/bed. "I wish to speak with you. About Sirius."

"Headmaster, please. I don't know if I can even speak about how he..." he stopped, looking desperately at the older man.

"Betrayed you?" the professor offered as the rest of the sentence.

Remus stared exasperatedly at the sage, tightening his grip on the wineglass in attempt to keep himself from screaming.

"It was quite a surprise, to say the least. The remaining few in the order offer their sympathies, we all understand how difficult this is for you," Dumbledore said as consolation, but Remus didn't move to speak. So he continued. "Despite all the feelings I'm sure you are dealing with, I wanted to offer you the chance to visit Sirius in Azkaban."

The wineglass Remus was holding shattered under the sudden, tremendous strain it was put under. Shards of glass showered the floor and found their way into Remus' hand, pushing themselves under his skin. He gave Dumbledore a pained look, but received a blank, yet all-knowing, stare in return.

"A-are you kidding me, old man?!" Remus unintentionally snarled, shaking a bit at the sound of his own voice.

"Please, Remus. I asked you to call me Albus," Dumbledore replied calmly.

"Do you really think it would be I _easy_ for me to walk into that prison and confront the person who, until now, was the center focus of my life? The person who betrayed us all and I _killed _ Lily and James and Pet..." he trailed off, his undamaged hand covering his mouth in shock. He had said it. "Oh god..." He had admitted it. The words had come out of his mouth and it made everything real, sending it down to fall on his shoulders in one big burden.

Dumbledore stared at the broken man in front of him for a while before speaking.

"Easy, no. Beneficial, certainly. I am concerned about you, and feel it would be best if you visited Sirius and attempt to put those demons behind you."

"Oh god..."

"This may very well be the last time you get to see him, Remus."

"Oh I _god _ !"

Remus collapsed onto his sofa and sobbed into his hands, blood getting everywhere. Put demons behind him? Since when did he have the power to do anything like that? His body convulsed, unashamed of crying for the first time in a long time. He suddenly felt a bony hand on his shoulder, grip tightening and causing him to look up.

"I'll be here tomorrow afternoon to escort you. Have a good evening, Remus," Dumbledore said, smiling and turning to leave the apartment.

"Wait!" Remus gasped, shooting out of the chair.

"I really must be going now. Tomorrow at five in the afternoon, I will be back." Remus could have sworn he saw pain in the old man's eyes. "Try to get some sleep," was Dumbledore offered before vanishing his armchair and apparating out of sight.

Remus stood in front of the couch and blinked repeatedly, forcing the tears away from his eyes in attempt to make some sort of order out of the visit he had just received. Dumbledore obviously wasn't taking no for an answer; Remus was going to visit Sirius tomorrow. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't go to Azkaban, it wasn't feasible. People had to be strong when attempting to conquer these types of situations and Remus... well...

...had never felt so weak in his entire life.

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The passageways were damp and growing all sorts of unpleasant molds in their cracks. Water was perpetually dripping from somewhere, and it echoed along with Remus' footsteps as he made his way to the visiting chambers, accompanied by a guard on either side of him. He didn't dare look at their faces.

He had forced himself into a new pair of clothes that morning. He had forced food down his throat. He was lucky there was no more alcohol in the apartment, otherwise he would have had to force himself to abstain from it. Dumbledore hadn't had to force him out the door, though. Remus had managed to go through the day is a sort of a daze, believing that he was walking through an unpleasant dream instead of his worst nightmares realized. The only thing that made it so frightening was the fact that he could not wake up.

Finally, the guards stopped, and Remus with them. One opened a door on the right while the other shooed Remus into it and then entered himself.

"Wand, please," the large man requested and stuck out his hand expectantly.

"Er, do I have t-"

"I _Wand please _ ," the guard said again, thrusting his hand into Remus' face.

Remus obliged and handed over his wand, fingers barely leaving its surface before the guard whisked it away and made a move to leave.

"Do not enter until the door opens automatically. You will receive your wand again when you leave. Understand?"

"Yes," Remus said, not amused at being talked to like a child.

The guard left, leaving Remus the small in-between room alone. He heard a loud buzzer, and his eyes rested on the window on the door into the room where he was to meet Sirius. He watched, hand covering mouth, as three burly guards escorted a chained man to the steel table residing in the middle of the room. The guards left, and Remus heard another loud buzz. Only this time, his door swung open and revealed him to the chained, pale figure at the table.

Remus was paralyzed in that spot, relatively safe in the shadows of the tiny in-between room for the time being. Sirius looked like a mess. His hair was out of sorts, he needed to shave, his skin was pale as opposed to the olive tint it usually had. The wonderful grey eyes were sunken in and accompanied by bags that indicated his sleepless nights. He looked like he hadn't showered for months, even though it had only been a few days.

Had it really only been a few days?

_ A few days are too many, _ Remus thought as he slowly entered the room, each step echoing eerily in the room. The sight of Sirius made him desperately want to touch, or even talk to the mess that sat before him. He sat down in a rickety chair across from Sirius, who was watching him as he walked. Remus stared into the sad eyes that he had loved, and they were barely recognizable. The flare behind them had died, replaced by cool, grey, emotionless clouds.

Neither of them said a word for the longest time. Remus felt his anger being sucked away as he stared into the orbs through the dirty hair, and complete anguish taking over. The pain in his stomach leaped out as he tried to formulate words.

"Hullo, Sirius," Remus managed to choke out, resting his hands on the table between them.

Sirius didn't reply. He continued to stare, a hint of his famous puppy dog eyes cracking through the dirty exterior.

"Sirius. What have you done?" Remus said, his voice shaky and weak.

Sirius sucked in a breath as if he were going to speak, but nothing came out. He brought his hands up and onto the table. Seeing the handcuffs on Sirius was so hurtful for Remus that he barely noticed the bruised wrists and dirty fingernails.

"Remus," Sirius croaked, his voice sounding like it had been shot from screaming. "I... I don't belong here." He moved his hands to touch Remus, the chain between his cuffs dragging along the table.

Remus shivered at the touch, jerking his hands away.

"Don't," he said, rubbing the place where Sirius had made contact.

"I shouldn't be here," Sirius said again, eyes pleading.

"Then you didn't kill Lily and James? And Peter? And all those other people!?" Remus practically spat, his words full of hurt. He looked desperately to Sirius for a reply. He wanted Sirius to jump up and proclaim his innocence, and that would be enough for Remus.

Sirius looked like he had just been shocked. Slowly, he lowered his head and brought his hand back into his lap.

"I did. I I _did _ kill Lily and James. Please forgive me." Sirius said this quietly, as if he had rehearsed it over and over again before saying it.

Remus bolted out of his chair, sending it flying backwards. He lunged across the table, grabbing Sirius by the tattered collar of his prison robes and yanking him up so that they were eye to eye. Sirius didn't resist, didn't fight it. He simply allowed himself to be tossed like a rag doll.

"Shut up. Don't you lie to me, Sirius!" Remus said desperately, shaking the man in his hands violently as he spoke.

"I killed them, Remus. I'm so sorry. Forgive me, please," Sirius said in the same monotone voice.

"Stop it!" Remus yelled, shaking Sirius again.

"Forgive me, Remus. I love you."

Remus paused, narrowing his eyes at Sirius. How could he say such a thing? This man who admitted to killing his best friends confessing love as well? Remus' insides burned.

"Is this what you do to people you love?" Remus hissed before throwing Sirius back into his chair.

Sirius again said nothing, just lowered his head like a beaten dog and sunk further into his chair. Remus felt like smacking him, but kept his clenched fists at his sides.

"I'm not forgiving you, Sirius. You don't deserve it, and you don't deserve to leave this place... just as all those people, our I _friends _ , didn't deserve to die." Remus' tone had lowered again, as if closing the conversation.

"Remus!" Sirius' head popped up. "Listen to me, please! Before I die here!"

"No," Remus said, turning to leave. "I've heard enough. Good-bye, Sirius."

"Wait, Remus!" Sirius stood from his chair, desperate.

Remus said nothing more, turning his back to Sirius as he went back to the in-between room. He was so full of grief that he knew he would surely break down if he looked back at Sirius. The door closed behind him, separating himself from Sirius once more. Thankfully, he did not look back through the window in the door; Sirius was screaming his name and being held down by three guards as he attempted to go after his former lover. And Remus didn't hear a word of it.

At least, that's what he told himself.

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A few days later, Remus had already put his flat on the market and put all of Sirius' belongings into big brown boxes which he intended on locking in storage somewhere. Yes, the bedroom door had been opened, and the room thoroughly cleaned. The entire flat had been cleaned, actually, as Remus prepared to move into a smaller apartment a few kilometers away. He did it all with suppressed guilt and rage and sadness at the same time. Since he had visited Sirius in Azkaban, he had not felt anything. All his emotions were pushed down inside, and he never hoped to feel them again. He wanted a monotonous life now; he wanted to get a boring job and do nothing more exciting than paperwork on weekends. He couldn't handle anything else, and he knew it.

In the midst of his packing, a loud knocking on the door interrupted his slow jazz music. He went to the door, wondering who it could be. He couldn't see anyone through the eyehole, but opened the door out of curiosity. He looked around, and still saw no one. He was about to close the door, cursing whoever had disturbed him, when a small package on the ground caught his eye. It was addressed to Moony.

Shaking slightly, he brought the package inside and closed the door, setting it on the coffee table. No one called him Moony except for... those who were no longer with him. He tore through the brown wrapping slowly, revealing a plain green box. He opened this as well, pulling out a bottle of his favorite chocolate liqueur and a small piece of parchment. He read the note over and over, silent tears running down his face. Finally, regretfully, he put the parchment and bottle back into the box, and packed it into a box marked "S."

_ Remus –_

I ordered this early because I knew I would forget the day before like I always do. I guess I learn from my countless mistakes. Happy Anniversary, I love you very much.

-Sirius

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Reviews appreciated. Thanks.


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